I've been on quite the health kick lately. I was always (at least I liked to think) a fairly healthy guy; I exercised moderately and didn't eat too much crap, and I could with some degree of modesty say that I was "fit." Lately, however, I've altered my diet and exercise routine rather drastically. I went from doing weights an hour a day, three days a week (with some mild yoga thrown in) to forty minutes of yoga every morning before work and an hour and a half of weights, six days a week (plus cardio). I'm on a high-protein diet and am eating enough vegetables to shame an active member of P.E.T.A., and it's been weeks since I've indulged in fast food or chocolate.
Why am I doing this? That's a rather complicated question.
Being a lover of film and a moderate fitness enthusiast, I've always admired the drastic physical alterations actors go through to prepare for roles, whether it's Hugh Jackman becoming a walking man-god in The Wolverine or Tom Hardy turning himself into a brick-shit house in The Dark Knight Rises (not to mention the absolutely insane transformations Christian Bale puts himself through on a regular basis). That's Hollywood though, and those actors can dedicate months (and in some cases, years) to preparing for roles in which they're paid millions of dollars for. Their lifestyles are not for the common man/woman, or at least, that's the sort of attitude we tend to have about it. Discipline has never been an issue for me, however, so I always maintained that with the right amount of dedication, I could probably attain a similar level of physical desireability.
That's been one source of motivation, and there are others. I've written before about the unhealthy body images the majority of people are plagued with, and of course, I'm no exception. Despite the mantra "it's what's on the inside that counts," it can't be denied that what's on the outside still holds a lot of weight in our culture. I was already exercising to that end though, so it doesn't account for the recent, drastic alteration.
I also have a friend who recently has been indispensable in providing information and inspiration on all aspects of diet and exercise, who herself maintains a high-level of physical fitness in order to participate in the athletic community, thus proving it's not something limited to Hollywood. I don't participate in sports, however, nor am I trying to impress anyone in particular. I hate going to the gym and prefer (much like when I write and when I practice guitar) to push myself in solitude, away from the eyes of others; I dislike letting my "process" be open for the world to see.
So what it is then? Why am I getting up at an ungodly hour to do yoga before work? Why am I skipping rope in a dark, damp basement listening to movie soundtracks to keep me pumped? Why am I eating scrambled egg whites before bed and downing two protein shakes a day?
The answer, as I've come to realize, is all about control.
Practically every major facet of my life for the last several weeks has been in a perpetual state of limbo. If one were to ask me how things were going in any category of my life, I wouldn't be able to give a sufficient answer. I will spare the details, but there's been very little room for contentment lately. I have begrudgingly been forced to contend with circumstances that are beyond my control, and no amount of charm, luck, or skill will do anything to change them.
Frankly, the only aspect of my life that I currently have complete and total control over is myself. When all else fails, be it relationships or career endeavors, the only thing I will unquestionably be left with (assuming I don't die or become involved in a freak accident, obviously) is my mind and my body.
I've always been fascinated by the science of the human body, with its ability to change, alter, and adapt depending on how it's treated. I'm deeply intrigued with the way certain people with hefty amounts of discipline can utilize that science/knowledge to alter their physical appearance into something healthy (and also something that society deems "attractive") while others remain at the mercy of fad diets and a looming obesity epidemic. I'm a firm believer in self-actualization - being able to train, condition, and build yourself into something better than you are - and this pursuit of physical perfection seems like an ideal project at the moment. I may not be able to control the fate of my job or certain areas of my personal life, but I can damn well make sure that physically I'm beyond reproach.
Normally I hate setting myself to a particular routine, but lately I'm finding solace in living such a strict lifestyle. I find exercise therapeutic, and I look forward to the times I can engage in it. It's also invigorating to be able to see the physical change and payoff from weeks of hard work. As for my diet, there are several benefits. First, I'm not much of a foodie. To me, the taste of a good meal is fleeting; I've always been a delayed gratification sort of guy, so knowing that the same bland thing I've been eating for several weeks is healthy trumps my taste buds' desires. It also helps knowing it will contribute to improving my physical appearance, and it takes a lot of guess work out of my meals. I know exactly what I'll be eating, what groceries to buy, and what I need to do to prepare my food. Despite the hefty financial cost of eating healthy, there's a certain convenience that comes along with it that can't be denied.
And it's also a distraction. If they ever make a movie about my life and bastardize history to give me a proper villain, it'll just be myself in a fancy hat. I am my own worst enemy. I have a horrible tendency to over-think things, to assume the worst, and to let myself be overcome with anxiety. With the amount of unknown variables currently orbiting around me, there's lots of potential to lose myself in a depressive fit. Having to constantly worry about when I'll exercise and when to prepare one of my six-to-eight smaller-portioned meals a day keeps my mind from wandering into anxiety ridden waters. It keeps me focused, and although it may not be the most mentally healthy reason to want to get fit, it's certainly good enough for me.
And yes, I do want to be healthy, but I can't deny that there are deeper forces motivating me to maintain this strict lifestyle. I know myself too well. Normally I would disappear into my writing, but the circumstances have to be just right and I need to be in a particular mental state in order to pop out another book, and frankly, the stars have not aligned in that regard for quite some time. So I will continue to push myself physically, and continue to limit my carb intake after two o'clock in pursuit of some unattainable level of physical perfection.
And if the circumstances in my life don't work out for me, at least I'll look fucking fantastic naked.
