The Creative Grey Area

Being an artist and being frustrated seem to go hand in hand. In my experience, you can't have one without the other; it's a mutually exclusive relationship, like a roller coaster that constantly goes up and down with a depressing ebb and flow; you stroll down the street holding your lover's hand, and then as a joke they push you in front of a bus.

All of this is to say that I've been plagued with self-doubt lately regarding my creative projects and the direction I should be taking with them. It probably doesn't help that I'm also facing a professional quandary as well. There was a long stretch of time when I first started my current job where my work life left me feeling creatively fulfilled (I work in the television industry) and so my personal projects took a back seat. I always knew that if I were to work in a field that didn't allow me to express my creativity in some way, I'd probably be working much more feverishly in my downtime.

My current contract expires in a few months, however, and right now there's a big fat question mark sitting at the end of that road. I can't expect to stay on at my current place of business, and the desire to formulate a plan of action that would see me build a career on my writing and other talents has been on the rise. I don't expect to suddenly become a best-selling author in a few short months, but it's certainly a shit-or-get-off-the-pot moment for me, where I've realized that if I want to make a living as an artist creating their own work then I gotta get this gravy train rolling and on its way out of the station. 

There's just one nagging question: where the hell do I start? 

Where the hell does any artist start? There isn't a handbook for this sort of thing, and this is where the relationship with frustration starts to pick away at your confidence and withhold sex. You can train to be an artist, go to school to perfect and practice your skills, but making your way in the world? That's a different story entirely. Almost all of the artists I admire (which includes those who work in film, literature, and other mediums) all had a different recipe for success that seem one part talent and three parts pure damn luck. There were those who went to school and made connections which led to subsequent employment, and they simply climbed the ladder from there; there were those who simply created with no better intention than to make their work available for free until people finally noticed; and then there are those who fell somewhere in the middle, who created the right thing at the right time with the right people watching.

But where does that leave the rest of us? 

I currently have multiple projects on the go, and I don't know what to do with any of them. I feel like I'm one of those people who should just create without worrying about the business side of things, because I swear the business aspect of the artist-driven industry sucks every last morsel of fun from the creative side. I love to sit down and write a story, but I dread thinking about submitting it to publishers, which is why everything I've done is almost available exclusively through this blog. 

As it stands, I'm currently writing a new novel, which I'm releasing episodically. Writing novels is my bread and butter; I wish I could do that and nothing else and just be allowed to survive comfortably doing it. I'd love to only write and think nothing of what needed to be done afterward, but there's this niggling doubt in the back of my head. It says things like, "what's the point of writing something if you can't market it so people will actually read it?" and "maybe you're just not good enough to make a living as an artist, and that's why nothing's happened yet."

Those are paralyzing thoughts, and they're strangling the creative spark in me. I just want to create, but I (like every artist before and all of those still to be born) realize that unless I have a means to support myself, I won't have the freedom to create the things I want. And because the world doesn't owe me a damn thing, the only outlet I have to vent is this blog.

I've spent the last few days researching literary agents, and I think I just need to come to terms with the fact that I absolutely suck with the business side of things. For all the creative spark in me, there's that voice in my mind that likes to rear its ugly head to cut down the enthusiasm. 

For every blog article posted, there's: "Only the same four people will end up reading it."
For every book written, there's: "You've already written a bunch and they weren't good enough."
For every song played, there's: "Now you just have to compete with everyone on YouTube."
For every film idea, there's: "You don't have the resources to do it properly."
For every screenplay, there's: "You don't have the right connections, and the Canadian industry sucks anyway."

I'm starting to think my mind is my own worst enemy (a hypothesis I've been contemplating for awhile now) but I get the sense that every artist - or at least everyone who considers themselves an artist - experiences the same crippling self-doubt at one point or another. It's the line between wanting to create and wanting recognition, or at the very least wanting the means to continue creating comfortably without wondering how you'll afford food next month. Perhaps it's fueled by ego and greed. Perhaps it's an aspect of human nature. 

Perhaps it's my mind indicating it might be best to take a break and clear my head for a bit.

Or perhaps it's time I stop complaining and just keep creating without giving a fuck about the rest.

My New Novel is Episodic . . . and Free!

In an attempt to branch out and try new and creative ways to get my writing out into the world, I'm trying a new tactic with my next novel. Instead of publishing it straight to Kindle and demanding your money (thanks, by the way) I've decided to publish it FOR FREE on this blog episodically, as I write it. 

Sanctum Rising is a science fiction fantasy epic that I'm having a hell of a lot of fun with. It will be divided into five parts, and Part 1 is already available for download in PDF format. Once all parts have been published I will compile it into a single volume AND THEN post it on Amazon and demand your money. Check it out under my 'Novels' sidebar to the right along with my other works.

My Writing Process - Blog Tour

I've been tagged to participate in an online tour where writers explain their process, what they're working on, and then link to other writers' blogs in an ever expanding web. Rachael Simpson posted her portion last week, and you can check out her website, Seed and Pearl, here.


1) What am I working on?

I have a variety of half-finished projects on my plate at the moment. Writing articles for this blog was originally a way to get my writing out there and market myself, but I took to it more than I anticipated. I have a handful of novels which I'm currently reworking and editing, and I also have a few screenplays I'm working on (which will lead precisely . . . nowhere). I also have a few side projects which I don't want to discuss in case they never come to fruition.


2) How does my work differ from others of its genre?

It doesn't, as far as I'm concerned. I write fiction novels and blog articles in the vein of what I enjoy reading, so aside from my own personal writing style, it mimics the sort of tone and structure that I enjoy consuming. What I'm saying is, I'm not very original.

Sue me.


3) Why do I write what I do?

My writing consists mainly of two aspects: my blog articles and my novels. With my blog articles, I'm usually trying to make a point or express an idea, whether it be something serious and philosophical, or something stupid and mundane (probably regarding movies). With my novels, I'm simply trying to tell an entertaining story. Often there are themes, messages, and ideologies crammed in, but for the most part I try to entertain as well as convey some sort of cathartic emotion through storytelling.


4) How does your writing process work?

First, I have to have something I feel compelled enough to write about (I'm a busy guy) to the point that I'll be dedicated enough to spend a month or two sitting down for an hour or so a night to work on it (in the case of my novels). Those sorts of ideas are few and far between, which is why I enjoy writing for this blog, because I only have to dedicate a single night to an article, so I can produce something quick and dirty whenever an idea pops into my head.

As for my actually process, I enjoy listening to music in seclusion - no sitting at coffee shops or outside. I don't like having any outside influences when I'm in my "zone." If I'm writing a novel, I'll often watch movies or trailers that are along the same lines as what I'm writing to put myself in the right mindset.


Next week the following bloggers will be participating in the blog tour.

Max Gorokhovski - Max originally wanted to be a painter, comic artist or something more directly visual, but over time developed a fond love for painting pictures with words and letting the reader visualize the image. This led him to become an aspiring screenwriter and amateur film and TV Critic. Check out his site here.

Jeremiah Shaw - Jeremiah writes short stories. Sometimes he writes charming ones. Occasionally he writes morbid ones. People seem to think he’s pretty clever, people also seem to think he’s a bit unusual. Check out his site here. 

Melina Stanko - Melina is an accomplished professional 2D Digital Animator who, in her spare time, updates her blog A Canuck's Guide to Toxic Free Living. Having been raised by conscientious objectors from the movements formed in the 1960's and 1970's (who emphasized social responsibility through consumerism) Melina researches and informs her readers on a wide variety of environmentally friendly products, information which she hopes will make a positive impact not only on human health, but also aid environmental awareness and habitat preservation for future generations. Check out her site here.

Words! It's what's for breakfast!

"Lucas, why is it that you write so much?" asked no one, anywhere, ever.

Sometimes I like to imagine that my life is actually really interesting and I will someday be called upon to do a DVD-style commentary of it. Luckily for me and the world at large, the Internet exists, so I can type my merry heart out and everyone else can continue diligently ignoring me as they rightly should.

Anyway, one of the things I've been dying to talk about in the most figurative way imaginable is writing, my history with it, and why it is that I like pumping out words the way that I do. I find it helps to reflect on the nature of our art - it humbles us, brings us down to earth, and generally makes us less snobbish.

I suppose you could say I've always been a fan of writing, but even to this day I don't think I'd ever label myself as a "writer." Instead, I prefer to say "I write" because to me, there's a world of difference. A writer is someone who is intoxicated by the power of words, who practices and attempts to master the many nuances of grammar, and who values their own style and treats it as an extension of their mind. I do none of those things. For me, writing is simply the means to an end, and I've done it enough that I'm simply above average. 

Let me back up a bit. I initially took up with writing as a result of my elementary school graduation. See, I'm the academically competitive type, and my brother had won the Top Academic Award (pretty much meant he was best overall) when he had graduated four years previous, so I was aiming for the same thing because I wasn't about to let him get a one-up on me. But fate gave me a backhand, and instead I got the lesser English Award. This came as a shock, namely because I never excelled in English classes. To this day I think they just had to give me something (I was still one of the top students) and they deemed the English Award an appropriate token gesture. I ended up taking it as a challenge though, one I carried all the way to university.

I figured if they gave me the English Award, then fuck it, I might as well make it my thing. And so that token award became my motivation to excel in my high school English classes, which was very difficult because I really did suck at it. Honestly, I was terrible. I still can't understand why they gave it to me, but nonetheless I carried around that challenge like the goddamn plague and eventually graduated high school with an English and Creative Writing Award in tow. I enrolled in English at Carleton University and promptly switched majors to Film Studies because it seemed like the more practical thing to pursue (hint: it wasn't).

I continued to write, though. Throughout high school I had been developing a story in the back of my mind that I was determined to put to paper. It spent years festering and growing, taking influence from everything I encountered. I tried to sit down and write it on several occasions, sometimes writing a page, sometimes fifteen, but it never matched my vision. It wasn't until second year university when circumstance allowed me to write a first draft I was actually proud of. It was a relatively small accomplishment (only eighty or so pages) but to me it had been a Herculean feat, and having accomplished it, I was no longer scared to attempt it again. I knew that if I could write one book then I could easily write another, and so that following summer I wrote my first "real" novel. I found myself with a lot of extra time during the subsequent Christmas vacation, so I wrote another, and the next summer I re-wrote my first story as a four hundred page behemoth (which will be rewritten again in the near future, because I'm crazy like that). After university I attended a year of Scriptwriting at college and wrote my fourth "real" novel after graduating, just to make sure I still could.

Despite all of the monumental time and effort I put into each book, I would still say I'm not the biggest fan of actually writing. It's annoying, it takes too long, and it's near impossible to convince anyone to read your shit. To me, writing was simply the means to an end; what I really wanted to do was tell stories, and writing was (and still is) the most effective way of going about that. I couldn't make a film or a graphic novel on my own, so writing my stories as books was the only natural way to go. See, I don't have much in the way of actual writing ability. What I excel at is being disciplined and patient. That's the tricky part. Sitting down at a computer and typing is ridiculously easy; what's hard is to make yourself do it every day for months on end until you have something to show for it. I have plenty of friends who are much, much better writers than I am, but the difference between us is that I can fire off pages like Stephen King. In essence, it's quantity over quality. I like to think my books can hold up based on the nature of the plot and the overall premise of their stories, but I know no one is going to be reading anything of mine because they appreciate my style.

I recently had a discussion with my roommate regarding the nature of art and the idea of innate talent versus practice. She's an incredibly talented artist (and you should totally check out her portfolio at http://www.lydiapepin.com/) but she insisted she had to practice in order to get to the skill level she's at. And while that is obviously inarguable, it also can't be denied that she has an innate talent for it, because her mind has a way of discerning visual detail that I (and most others) simply can't. And yet I have no idea whether or not I have any sort of innate talent/skill for the activities I consider my "art" or if I'm just very disciplined and willing to put in a lot of effort into something until I'm halfway decent. I taught myself how to play guitar, and while I like to think I'm pretty good, I didn't pick one up until I was seventeen and I had absolutely no natural affinity for it. I have a sneaking suspicion that my writing is the same, which is why I don't like to call myself a "writer" and instead prefer to just say "I write." I consider my writing competent at best, and I'm sure with a proper editor some of my novels would do just fine on the literary scene, but I have no hopes of one day being taught in university English courses. 

For me, the accomplishment comes from expressing something. With my novels, it's constructing a narrative out of thin air. For this blog, it's about expressing ideas. I have a constant desire to feel like I've accomplished something, and writing is a cheap and easy way to do that. I suppose it's the masturbation of the storytelling arts, because you only need yourself and more often than not you end up feeling satisfied and yet a little disappointed (Ba-Dum-Tish!). And I consider some of this ironic, because writing was one of the things I did while everyone else was off with their social lives and having sex and doing other fun things, and being able to present a book and say "well, at least I accomplished something" was the only way I could justify my meager existence.

So that's why I write. I'm not concerned with furthering the human language, I don't really care for proper grammar rules so long as something reads okay, and you'll never find me wearing a sweater with a glass of scotch. I just get a lot of crazy ideas/stories in my head and writing is my go-to way of expressing them. I still don't know if I'd ever consider myself a real artist, but I suppose I'd better because it's not like my pro-athlete career is going to pan out anytime soon.