The word "feminism" gets tossed around a lot these days, and I've wanted to write a sensible think-piece about what it means to be a good male feminist for some time. I juggled trying to be funny or light-hearted, but in my experience that devalues the seriousness of the subject matter and can also come across as condescending, so I'm going to try and avoid that.
Why do I want to write about feminism?
Because I think there are too many people who still have confused notions about what feminism really is, and in particular, far too many men who may be confused about what it represents and what it ultimately means for both sexes. I personally feel more comfortable addressing my own gender because I don't have the authority to discuss experiences I have not been privileged to (i.e. life from a women's perspective). What follows, therefore, is a guide for what I believe feminism truly is and why it's important for men to embrace it.
Why do I use the word "mature" in the title of this article? Because I believe there has to be a willing mindfulness on anyone's part to fully understand and appreciate any ideological concept, let alone follow through on it. If you don't approach this sort of thing with an open mind, you probably won't even get through the next paragraph without rage-quitting this article.
Where should we begin? Well...
. . . first, you have to understand what feminism actually is.
Feminism is the belief that women deserve to be treated as equally as men. That's it, and it doesn't get more complicated than that. Anyone that tries to convince you there's more to feminism than one, simple ideology is attaching more weight than is necessary. That is not to say that actually following through on this belief doesn't involve some degree of effort and mindfulness, but everything essentially boils down to this one idea. If someone asks whether you are a feminist, there's no need to meditate on it at length or attach any "but" statements to your qualification. If you believe that women are equal to men, then you are by definition a feminist. It's important to remember that it all boils down to one, simple qualification and...
. . . ignore anything that detracts from it.
There were times when I doubted whether or not I could call myself a feminist. I've had other self-proclaimed feminists tell me that I'm either not a real feminist or at least a horrible one, not because my mindset deviated from the ideological belief that women are equal to men, but because I didn't conform to the very rigid expectations they had attached to the movement.
It took me a long time to realize that feminism is not a club with only a small number of eligible members; the actual movement and advocacy involves a huge amount of people, and like any large movement, there will be an inevitable degree of selfishness from some individuals who warp or twist it to their own selfish agenda. I know a number of people who are nervous to identify as feminists because they don't want to be associated with some of the more militant or aggressive advocates (who they feel represent the movement as a whole). This is incredibly unfortunate, but we must remember that negative representation isn't a feminist tendency - it's a human tendency. Feminism itself is still the simple belief that women are equal to men, and once we unequivocally support that belief, we can ...
. . . understand what people mean by "privilege."
"Privilege" gets thrown around like a dirty word these days; it is and always has been a word associated with negativity and shame. Two decades ago the word was used in reference to people with wealth and money - people who didn't understand what it was like to be middle/lower class. Nowadays, it crops up in terms like "white/male privilege," and it's important to understand what the word means in that context because although it still holds a degree of negativity, being called privileged isn't necessarily bad.
To admit that one is privileged is to make the mindful admission that one has certain benefits within a cultural/societal system wherein one demographic is afforded more advantages than another. I live in Canada, and I am a healthy/straight/white/Christian/male. Each of those self-descriptors inhabits a category of which my affiliation benefits the most, and in that way, I am an incredibly privileged person. I have never been discriminated against because of my sexual orientation, the colour of my skin, my religious preference, or my gender, but I acknowledge there are people that have. I understand that racism, sexism, and ableism exist in my culture and there are individuals who are/will be unfairly discriminated against.
We have to remember that human culture is based on tribalism - congregating among groups of like-minded and similar people for the purpose of survival - an instinct engrained via evolution since we were primates. We have evolved to be cautious around those that are different from us, and when one group greatly outnumbers another in a multicultural society, the predominant "tribe" is afforded preferential treatment simply because they fall in line with what the majority expects. The majority of the population in the west are white-skinned, and thus visible minorities are at a disadvantage, just as the predominant sexual orientation is straight and therefore anything that deviates from that is still met with caution. There are demographics and members of the population who must overcome more challenges than others because of circumstances they have no control over.
In regards to feminism, men need to acknowledge that in almost all areas of life, being male bears no negative consequence; a man will rarely be refused service, be less likely to qualify for a job, or be more likely to be sexually assaulted simply because they are a man. Women, however, live with a host of scenarios and circumstances in which the simple nature of being a woman will influence how they are treated. Broadly speaking, women will statistically make less money than their male co-workers, suffer gender-based harassment on a sometimes daily basis, and astronomically be more likely to be the victim of sexual assault. It is important for men to acknowledge this divide, because...
. . . the most important thing you can do is listen.
Privilege exists in any culture, and its problem is that it limits the experiences a group of people is able to appreciate. In regards to feminism, men will never experience what it is like to be a woman (regardless of how empathetic or sensitive we may feel we are) and thus we will also never encounter the varying degrees of sexism inherent to our culture. We will rarely ever have sexually inappropriate slurs thrown at us on the street by complete strangers; we will rarely have to worry that our qualities will be judged solely on our physical appearance; we will never feel like we are pressured to perform sex acts because we accepted to go on a date; we will never have our credibility questioned for reporting a heinous crime like rape; and we will never have decisions regarding what we choose to do to our bodies (i.e. abortion) institutionally debated by a group of outsiders. Because we will never experience these things, it's easy to be ignorant of their effects. The current cultural status quo unquestionably benefits men over women.
A good analogy is bullying. Imagine two high school students: one is popular while the other is picked on constantly. The popular student has nothing but fond memories of the school, never aware that bullying ever occurs, while the bullied student lives under constant unease and fear. Now imagine the two students meet and the bullied student tries to convince the popular student that bulling is in fact, a massive problem. The popular student can either a) try to dismiss the problem or worse, become violent in hopes of defending their fond memories of the school, or b) listen to what the other student has to say, and accept that the reality of their high school experience might not be the same for everyone.
This is why literally the most important thing a male feminist can do is simply listen. Too often men either deny or turn violent in an effort to discredit and silence women for trying to point out the inequality they face. Anita Sarkeesian, creator of the excellent YouTube channel Feminist Frequency, receives heaps of uninvited vitriol and threats whenever she posts a video or makes a public appearance. All she seeks to do is draw attention to the poor representation of women in video games in a very civil and academic way, while also constantly reassuring her audience that it is still possible to enjoy as well as criticize any form of entertainment (insisting that she still enjoys many of the games she talks about). And yet, she inevitably receives negative reactions from people who at best try to discredit her and at worst threaten to rape or murder her. Rather than take into consideration the thoughtful perspective she presents, a disturbing number of individuals would rather scream in protest in hopes of preserving a system they are already comfortable with, regardless of whether it disproportionately benefits them over others.
If you are a man, the next time a woman presents you with a feminist perspective, I beg you to listen to what they have to say. It's important to listen, and also to understand...
. . . that by doing so, you lose nothing.
It costs nothing to listen but time. It takes little effort to open your ears to what is being said, to take a backseat and accept that someone different from you with different experiences has something to say. Any advice article on relationships undoubtably says the two most important components in a healthy partnership are honesty and communication. The thing about communication is that it has to involve one party talking and one party listening; a discussion quickly becomes an argument when one side talks but refuses to listen.
You don't have to agree with everything being said, you're not required to evaluate your whole life with new information, and you're not expected to give anything up too. It's important to keep that last point in mind, because...
. . . feminists aren't trying to take anything away from men.
All feminists truly want is for women to be treated as equally as men, to have the same opportunities, to be judged the same way, and to not face discrimination simply because of their gender. Detractors of feminism often take a glass half-empty approach instead of understanding the flip side of their arguments. Feminists don't hate men, they love women; feminists aren't trying to steal your job, they're trying to give women access to the same career opportunities as you; feminists aren't trying to steal your paycheque, they just want to be paid equally for their work; feminists don't want you to stop holding doors for women, they just want you to do it because it's the polite thing to do and not because you find someone sexually attractive; feminists want the same female representation in movies, comics, television, and games as men, not because they want to detract from what's currently available, but because they want something that appeals to them too.
If after that you feel like something is taken away from you, then at best you're just being selfish and at worst you're an incorrigible asshole. If you feel so entitled to jobs you think women aren't qualified for or movies with poor female representation, then you've placed your own opinion and comfort ahead of the security and liberty of another group of people. If that's the case, you probably suffer from...
. . . toxic masculinity, and here's what that actually means.
People who genuinely oppose feminism cling to the notion that men and women are inherently different and that each gender must act a certain way. They believe men are big, strong, breadwinners and women are gentle, feminine creatures. This attitude is what is referred to as "toxic masculinity" and insists that each gender must conform to a set of expectations. It tells young boys they have to play sports, that they can't enjoy feminine things or be gay less they be "sissies," and that they need to dominate over women both in physical presence and practical skills.
This notion might seem extreme, but the effect of toxic masculinity permeates in very real ways: it's men who don't dare date stronger or taller women because they can't stand the thought of being the physically weaker partner; it's men insisting that they solely do household chores like woodwork or carpentry, even if their girlfriend is more capable than them; it's boyfriends who end relationships because their girlfriends make more money than them. These are all examples I've encountered personally, and they are all founded on the male insecurity of not living up to a fictional masculine ideal.
The notion of masculinity itself is not inherently harmful, but this rigid expectation of what a man should be is incredibly unhealthy, and it harms men just as much as women. It traps both genders and represses people from pursuing their passions and reaching their true potential. This is why men need to embrace feminism and...
. . . be more mindful, because feminism helps everyone.
The reason feminism exists as a movement is to spread awareness about the inequality women still face - it is an attempt to teach. Being an effective male feminist requires an ability to listen and be mindful of one's own experience as it applies to others.
It's perfectly natural to find women attractive, whether it's a celebrity, a friend, or a stranger on the street, but it's important to remember that they are a whole person not defined solely by their appearance. It's also fine to watch pornography for sexual gratification, so long as you remember that (like all movies) what you're watching is not an accurate representation of reality. And it's fine to ask a girl on a date, so long as you remember that they're free to reject you in the same way you are free to reject someone you're not entirely interested in. Women don't owe men anything, whether it's obedience, affection, or attention.
The golden rule when it comes to navigating what is and isn't appropriate when interacting with women is to ask, "would I do this if they were a man?" If you wouldn't say/do something to a man, you probably shouldn't say/do it to a woman. In summation...
. . . there are three steps to being a good male feminist.
1) Listen: People who take up causes love to make it their own, to assign their own ideals, to co-opt it for their own sense of self-importance. Your job as a man isn't to protect women, it's to be open to a different person's experience and to offer support - to listen.
2) Be Mindful: Awareness goes a long way, whether it's about your own actions or the actions of others. Recognize when the things you enjoy might not benefit or satisfy others in the same way: you can still enjoy movies and video games that misrepresent women, you can still admire a woman's appearance, and you can still laugh at a dirty joke, but acknowledging the problematic elements of these things stops them from becoming an unhealthy, subconscious part of your reality.
3) Encourage Others: The most important thing you can do as a male feminist - the thing that will truly go the farthest in furthering the movement and helping women - is to speak up and correct the problematic behaviour of other men when you see it. When your friend makes an inappropriate comment toward a woman, tell them it's not okay. If you're at a party and you witness a man pressuring a woman into something she doesn't want to do, step in. Confrontation is difficult and it is unquestionably easier to do nothing and remain in a comfortable little bubble, but your comfort may come at a cost to someone else, and being a true male feminist may require you to occasionally get your hands dirty.
That's what I believe it takes to be a proper male feminist. I hope this has maybe helped clear a few things up, and please feel free to share this if you desire.
And before I go...
. . . here are some extra thoughts.
There are a few final comments I couldn't find a space for naturally in this article, so I'd like to mention them here.
The first is that I believe the most heinous circumstance in which women are devalued in society is in the case of rape accusations. The percentage for falsified rape reports is the same as any other crime at 2%, so it's time to stop pretending it doesn't happen and downplay/dismissing instances when it does. One in four women will be sexually assaulted, which means that many of your female friends may be victims. Rape is a crime like any other, yet it is the only one where a victim's credibility is continually brought into question. I believe men must come to the uncomfortable realization that rape and sexual assault are far more prevalent than we think, and that not all rapists are stalkers hiding in dark alleys. The cold hard fact is that some of your friends may be rapists; you may have committed rape without even realizing it. Admitting rape exists is scary, and admitting you may have contributed to the problem is downright terrifying, but consent is simple: if a woman says no, or is unable to say yes, then the instance in question is rape. To continue to degrade and question victims in order to support our comfortable facade is, quite frankly, disgusting.
Second, I didn't touch much on the idea of objectification, wherein women are presented as objects to be consumed by men. Essays and articles have been written to much greater effect than this blog, but what I want to mention is the unhealthy response men often have as a direct result of this "consumption" of the female body.
The outcry that often comes up over public breastfeeding and images of menstrual blood (such as Instagram's recent controversy) make it painfully obvious how objectionable men are to being presented with images of women as something other than a consumable, sexual object. Demanding that women cover up in these natural instances - while aggressively consuming fetishized representations of the female form - is outrageous and selfish.
Finally, many months ago we had a debate in this country over a woman's right to wear the Niqab. The majority viewed the piece of clothing as a representation of women's oppression and campaigned for its ban. This mindset was donned with the best of intentions, under the pre-tense of protecting women. Where this mindset failed was in mindfulness, and in a willingness to understand that truly embracing women's rights might include permitting something we find uncomfortable. We tell women they are free to wear what they want, but when confronted with a woman who genuinely wanted to wear something that made us uncomfortable, we came up with a number of excuses to make it go away.
We insisted we cared more about women, insisted we were better than a culture often associated for restricting what women can and can't do, but our solution was to furthermore try and restrict what women could and couldn't do. We wanted to ban the Niqab because it would make us feel safe, but by trying to cure an ailment we began imitating the disease. If we truly care about women being free, we have to be ready to accept that some women may do things we find uncomfortable. We came dangerously close to being a country that not only culturally shames women for wearing too little clothing, but quite literally make it illegal for them to wear too much.
These extreme situations have been coming up a lot lately. The Niqab debate, Donald Trump's campaign for presidency, Britain's recent vote to exit the European Union - all of these events have torn down a facade and revealed that our civilized cultures are still rooted in sexism, racism, and fear mongering. I hope we can do better, and I pray my recent cynicism will slowly dissipate as time goes on. Certain aspects of human nature will never change; we will always fear what we don't understand, but hopefully with proper education, insight, and mindfulness, we can begin to do better.
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